YOU'RE NOT MISUNDERSTOOD, YOU JUST DON'T COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY

We often get frustrated by people’s inability to understand us. This could be a boss, a friend, a significant other, etc. It doesn’t matter who it is, at times it can feel like you’re not being heard and that you’re not even speaking the same language. The problem here is that we’re not the best communicators and that people are not good at listening. But neither of those things are necessarily our fault (if we haven’t realized the problem yet). It has a lot to do with how we were raised. If we truly want to learn about ourselves, there’s a lot of reflecting to be done on our childhood.

When you have a conversation with an individual the standard steps of communication are summarized nicely in this graphic:

I forget exactly what class I learned this in—probably something like COM1201. Doesn't matter. I’m not going to walk through each step of this process, but it helps to have the visual. Communicating is inevitable. It’s both verbal and non-verbal so you might not like to speak but you’re still communicating with people whenever you’re in close proximity. I feel much of the conflict that arises in people’s everyday lives is a result of not knowing how to communicate properly. Over the years I made it a goal of mine to become very conscious of what I am communicating to people with an emphasis on whether or not they’re properly decoding my message—and to do that takes listening to what they’re communicating back to you.

I like to think I’m a half decent communicator, but I’ve gone through many phases and stages. I was very self-conscious of my communication at one point because I was hyper-focused on what I was communicating, but I honestly feel like this was a necessary step because prior to that I was oblivious to it. It’s like an annoying sound that once you hear you can’t stop hearing. My communication was that thing that I couldn’t stop noticing, but it helped me learn to mold it into what I feel it is now which is purposeful communication.

If I had to label the steps, it would be:

Confident (Ignorance) —> Conscious —> Self-Conscious —> Confident (Understanding) —> Purposeful

I see two types of confidence: the first type (early onset confidence) resembles the Dunning-Kruger effect where those who know the least think they know the most and vice-versa. This is a display of ignorance and short-sightedness as the only reason for the confidence is lack of awareness of what one doesn’t know.

“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.” ~ Epictetus

So basically operating on the principle that ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is many things. Work to move farther away from it and closer to understanding.

The next step is actually becoming conscious of the things that you say. This allows you to lay the foundation for analyzing your communication. This is meant to be a judgement free process, just a passive awareness. Think of it as listening to yourself.

Then we have self-conscious where you will start to question whether or not you like how you communicate. It’s like an existential crisis specifically with regard to communication. But once we become critical of our own communication and start to identify our quirks and habits, we regain confidence as now we know how we communicate and because of that have more control over our communication. We have a newfound confidence in that we’re self-aware. We might make mistakes but we’re okay with it because we know we did and now we can improve.

The last part of this would be reaching the point at which you are very purposeful with your communication. You’re able to start incorporating specific communication techniques, you’re aware of how others communicate and can match their style of communication to be more effective. This is was something I really got to work on when working in sales.

So let’s talk about working through this. I’d like to preface this with the fact that all of this is my personal outlook and approach. I am not going to be referencing or making any scientific claims here.

1. Test your thoughts and ideas

You’re a human being, you have something that you want to communicate, what’s first? Well, you need somebody to communicate with. Now, things in your head might seem organized and well thought out, but then you go to say those things out loud and you realize maybe the ideas weren’t as clear cut as you thought. This is very common given that were used to the ideas we have in own head. After all, they’re our thoughts. We created them so as long as they live in our head they will make sense. This is why it’s so important we get them out and why I can’t recommend journaling enough… I won’t go down the rabbit hole right now, but journaling is like this judgement free test of which of your thoughts make sense and which need more time and more thought and probably shouldn’t be let out just yet. This is a much better way to figure these things out as opposed to mid-conversation with somebody. So please do yourself a favor and get a journal. A piece of paper or note on your phone will do.

2. Define your terms

“If you want to converse with me, first define your terms.” ~ Voltaire

I’m a firm believer that more people align on frequently polarizing topics but they would never know because they argue over semantics rather than substance. I’ll give you an example that I run into often. People love to toss around nutrition terms like “healthy” and “natural” and “organic,” etc. “I’ve been eating more healthy foods lately.” My first question always “what are you defining as a healthy food?” Which is a very fair question given healthy is an adjective that refers to a state of being which a food cannot be. What people often mean is “nutritious.” I’m not trying to be an asshole I just genuinely want to know what the individual means so I can better understand their point and we can continue with the conversation accordingly. I personally feel it would be the asshole thing to ever assume that you know what somebody is saying. If you think you know just ask a clarifying question: “so you’re saying that…” and let them confirm or correct.

3. Separate your ideas and your identity

We often make our positions on certain topics our identity. So when somebody begins questioning our ideas, we start feeling personally attacked which then starts clouding our ability to think and rationalize so we spiral farther and farther into argument and polarization. This is why you often see people resort to what’s referred to as ‘argumentum ad hominem’. Ad hominem is a logical fallacy that occurs when an individual begins attacking a person’s character instead of the argument they are making. The tell-tale sign of immaturity.

4. Learn how to listen

This is the most tricky one. People often don’t know how to effectively communicate. When that’s the case, you have to become an expert listener. When you can learn to read between the lines you’ll get really good at connecting with people. I have this thing that I do that probably makes me a little crazy, but it’s an exercise I call ‘reflections.’ This is where I take a written message that I’ve received via email or text (often times negative) and I like to go through it line by line and try to see if I can figure out what this individual is really trying to communicate. This saves a whole lot of hardship. When people are emotional they get even worse at communicating effectively so you really have to listen. The main stressor is being communicated in their, but is often hidden amongst a plethora of other stressors that are only stressors because of the main stressor. You gotta find the source and take it out there.

In order for me to respond properly to a statement made by an individual, I have to be sure I’m decoding their message correctly. Asking clarifying questions is something that for some reason seems to trigger people emotionally. You have to take a very tactful approach when doing this, but it is absolutely essential if you’d like to truly have a meaningful, productive conversation.

5. You’re not honest you’re just an asshole

Many people will claim to be “direct,” “honest,” “transparent,” etc. these are all great things if handled properly. You have to balance honesty and being direct with the ability to read the situation, know where to give and where to not hold back. Most of us are familiar with how to handle these types of situations by following what’s known as the compliment sandwich:

1. You point out something positive
2. You provide constructive criticism (potential solution to the problem)
3. You reiterate the positive point then encourage implementing the solution

The key here is to provide constructive criticism. Telling somebody something is wrong is not constructive. I deal with this frequently as coach and see many people do it poorly which is a pet peeve of mine. When an athlete does something wrong and a coach tells them they’re doing it wrong with no follow-up on how to do it properly is, in my opinion, the saddest excuse of coaching and an example of terrible communication.

But back to transparency, honesty, and directness—what’s the best way to strike balance? The way I always handle it is to ask myself if the thing that I am going to say is:

1. Productive
2. Relevant

Here I’m defining productive as moving us closer to the solution/conclusion. I then always ask myself, what’s the path of least resistance? Being honest requires being tactful. Make it your goal to be honest while causing the least amount of tension possible. The truth can indeed hurt. Using it to hurt somebody or completely disregarding their feelings/the approach you take when delivering it doesn’t make you an honest person it makes you an asshole.

There's honestly a lot more to this but I've been writing for too long. I guess a part 2... If there’s anything you take away just understand the complexity of communication, but also keep it simple. It's all a balance. Try to work towards purposeful communication. Deliver clear messages and be an active listener to help others deliver theirs.

~ Bonde