HOW TO HAVE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

Communication is all we have. Without the ability to communicate, nothing would happen, ever. Not all conversations are fun to have. Sometimes you have to communicate things that people don't like to hear. Sometimes you have to communicate things that YOU don't like to hear.

We have external communication and internal communication. Our external world is simply a reflection of the internal world. Understanding this concept has had a significant impact on my life, for the better. If we can't control the internal communication and conflict that exists in our head, how do we expect ourselves to be able to control external communication and conflict that exists in the external world? You can't really. So take these principles and first apply them to the conversations you have with yourself.

I used to hate confrontation… Then I grew up. 

That's a little harsh and It’s easier said than done, however, if you believe truth exists and you can shift your focus to the truth (in all aspects of your life) then you won't be bothered by much. The truth just is, it doesn’t matter how you feel about it. Understand that, and you’ll be more aware of how you assign feelings to it. It has helped me live a more exciting, confident, rewarding, stress-free life. 

Let's start with our communication flaws—we're terrible at communicating. People loooooove to talk about problems. Solutions? Not so much. Arguments? Can't get enough. Productive conversation? BORING. Ever met somebody who tells you about a problem and when you give them a solution they shoot it down, then continue to shoot down every potential solution you provide? Most people don't want help, they want attention. It's like the person that always wears a brace when they definitely don't need a brace. It's our innate desire for attention. Ever met somebody that likes to turn everything into an argument? Even things that are subjective in nature? "Oh you like peanut butter and jelly? They're so gross." No, YOU think they're gross. It's subjective. This one always gets me... Why take a completely subjective topic and then make statements of objectivity? We're such interesting creatures. Everybody has different likes, dislikes, etc. Let people be. You have your own thoughts feelings, and opinions, approach those statements by saying "I personally" or "I feel" etc. But I digress.

All this likely stems from how an individual is raised but I’m not a neurobiologist or psychologist so I have no idea. Point being, it's very important to understand that communication is a tricky thing. You have to know what the things you say communicate, especially when it comes to difficult conversations. 

What is a difficult conversation?

So, what do I mean by difficult conversations? Good question right? What makes a conversation difficult? If you think about it, it's only difficult if the participants decide to make it that way. But, to define the term, I would define it as: any conversation that addresses a problem. A problem being defined as: a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome. So, how do we handle these conversations? First, we need to understand that every problem has a solution and that we're not very good at finding solutions when we're preoccupied by our feelings running amuck.

I wanted to be better in the face of difficult conversations so I created the three P's for myself which I hope proves to be helpful to some others:

1. Poise
2. Positivity
3. Productivity

Poise

To maintain poise is to be self-possessed and in full control of your faculties. You're balanced, grounded, and have composure. This is very important when having difficult conversations and also very hard to master… This is where exposure comes into play. You know what makes this easier? Not avoiding difficult conversations. They're unavoidable in life. Might as well get good at having them. And just like anything else, to get good takes practice. This is also where working on your internal communication comes into play. You can work on these via activities such as meditation, exercise, journaling, etc. There are a couple of things that do make maintaining poise easier in real time—the two other P's!

Positivity

Words are just words. They convey a message that is then decoded by the receiver. You can't control how that message is decoded, so let the impact of the words be dictated by the other person. Too many people over empathize and ultimately end up being the one to put the negative energy into the conversation. As Seneca reminds us, "we suffer more in imagination than in reality." Need an example? Think about a conversation that you were worried to have based on your imagination of what the other person's reaction was going to be (negative). Then you have the conversation and they ended up not reacting the way you anticipated—turns out it wasn't a big deal. "Oh wow, I thought you were going to be upset!" Just like the peanut butter and jelly hater, YOU assigned YOUR feelings to the thought. Unnecessary stress... Not to mention, if you come into the conversation with that energy, you might make them wonder if they should be reacting in a negative way. Don’t be the source of negativity.

I love when people have difficult things to say to me because I get to keep the conversation positive. I know that they're expecting what's culturally normal i.e. a negative, stressed out response (because we're chronically negative and stressed) (because we don't view things in light of what we can and can't control...)). So, be the one to help assign positivity to the conversation. As Epictetus says, there's two handles to every event in life: "the one by which it may be carried, the other by which it cannot." I listen carefully, slow things down, and immediately shift the focus to the solution. Which is how I would want to be treated when sharing something difficult with somebody. Which brings us to our final P.

Productivity

You have to want to accomplish something during your conversation. Accomplish what? Solving the problem. How do you do that? Depends on the situation and what stage the situation is at. Tension and discomfort are born out of ignorance. Ignorance leads to misunderstanding, assumption, and lack of perspective. So instead of trying to share what you know, come to the conversation with the intent to reduce your ignorance. Come ready to listen and learn. Try to understand where the other person is coming from. Be very forward and tell them that you're only interested in having the conversation if it's productive which means all parties agreeing to focus on the solution. Identify the problem, partner up to tackle the solution. Very rarely will you encounter people who don't want what’s good for the other person—if you come across somebody like that, it's best to be able to spot that and then move on with your life.

If somebody isn’t willing to work towards a solution of any kind, then you need to pause the conversation. Don’t get upset, simply share that you feel the conversation is no longer productive and that you should step away from it. Or try to steer it towards productivity. All depends on the situation and knowing yourself.

Applying it to your communication

So, next time you're going to have a difficult conversation, remind yourself that you're in control of what feelings YOU assign to the conversation. Be positive, we're smarter when we're positive. Maintain your poise so the other person feels more calm. Sit relaxed, let our mirror neurons do their job. BE PRODUCTIVE. If things start shifting away from productivity, address it. Don't beat around the bush. If the individual isn't willing to be productive, conversation is over.

This is something I’ve incorporated into my life that has proven to bode well. I now enjoy difficult conversations as I get to test myself, like a strenuous workout. From interviews, to sales calls, to firing employees, etc. Communication is like solving a puzzle in real time. Fun conversations are easy, difficult ones are more challenging and therefore more exciting. So, next time you need to have a difficult conversation, just remind yourself of the three p’s and soon you’ll be a pro.

A quick note on being a good listener (which I'll expand on later):

I've found it's best to just be transparent in all conversations. When an individual is dealing with a problem and speaking to you about it, ask one simple question: Do you want sympathy or do you want my input? This will save many relationships. Some people just want to talk about things and need somebody to nod and say yup. You have to put their needs first if you care about them. People are irrational, often times they don't want to hear how they were wrong, or what they should do moving forward. They just need to feel heard. You can't insert your thoughts and feelings into that situation. But you need to be clear about that. As somebody that cares about helping people, I struggle with this. I can't help but look at things objectively. It's served me well but don't come to me unless you want the truth... The friend that just reassures by nature regardless of the situation and context is fragile. They prioritize feelings over facts. Proceed with caution with these friends, there is no line between sympathy and good objective advice. They like nothing more than telling people what they want to hear. And they're not alone, this is most people. As Epictetus states in the Enchoridian, "Flattery is the easiest form of communication." Think of it like musical notes—our ears don’t like dissonance, but it’s often necessary for there to be that beautiful resolve that is soothing and fulfilling.

Happy conversing.

~ Bonde