CIRCUMSTANCE DOESN'T MAKE YOU—IT REVEALS YOU

Where is it that human beings really differ? And I don’t mean like what they eat for breakfast or what kind of clothes they like to where, leisure time activities, etc. I mean where are they fundamentally different? I’m far from well-versed on this topic, but maybe by writing this I’ll learn a bit more about it. From my experience, people tend to differ in one fundamental way: how they handle their feelings. We all have them (99% of us), there’s no avoiding that, but how we choose to respond, that’s where somebody really lives. That space is who a person is.

I know there are genotypes, phenotypes, personality types, nature vs. nurture, etc., but I have a very uninformed opinion and feeling that with all that being said, the way to boil that down is the same: how do you choose to respond to stimulus. I think there’s a few differentiating factors here:

1. Do you have the space to respond or is it pure reaction?
2. If you have the space to respond, do you think about your response or do you just respond?
3. If you have the space to respond, and you think about your response, what things do you consider?
4. In the things you consider, what do you prioritize?

And the list goes on. There are so many layers to this I (again I’m out of my league here) am trying to make sense of the thought that I was having when I started writing this. Life is stimulus, we don’t control that. We only control the response. Our response is shown through what we think, say, and do. This is where I believe one of my favorite quotes comes from: “circumstance does not make the person, it reveals them to themself.” Basically what it’s saying is you aren’t born out of circumstance, what you do in response to that circumstance shows you who you are.

Let’s use an example here:

Imagine two people who both lose their jobs on the same day.

Person A immediately blames the economy, their boss, their upbringing—everything outside themselves. They get angry, shut down, and wait for something to change.

Person B, facing the exact same circumstance, chooses differently. They take a day to breathe, assess their skills, reach out to contacts, start applying, maybe even begin a side project. Same hardship, totally different response.

The situation didn’t create either person. It simply revealed what was already inside them—their habits, their discipline, their belief in their ability to act. The job loss didn’t make one person resilient and the other avoidant. It uncovered it.

Let’s do another in case you’re still not tracking:

Two people set a goal to get in shape—lose some weight, gain some muscle, feel better.

A few weeks in, they both hit the same obstacle: their schedule gets busy, they’re tired after work, and they don’t feel motivated.

Person A sees the circumstance as a reason to stop. They say things like, “Life is too hectic right now,” “I’ll start again next month,” or “It’s just not possible with my schedule.” They wait for life to get easier before acting.

Person B faces the same chaos but chooses differently. They prep meals on Sundays, squeeze in 30-minute workouts instead of skipping entirely, and understand that progress during imperfect weeks still counts. They adjust, but don’t quit.

The busy schedule didn’t create discipline or the lack of it. It revealed it. Circumstances didn’t define their results—their choices in response to those circumstances did.

And one more for good measure:

Two partners go through the same situation: one forgets an important date—an anniversary, a birthday, something meaningful.

Partner A reacts with anger, punishment, and withdrawal. They use the mistake as proof that “you don’t care,” escalate the conflict, and make the moment about winning rather than understanding.

Partner B feels disappointed too, but chooses differently. They communicate clearly, express their feelings without attacking, and ask how they can both do better moving forward. They choose repair over retaliation.

The forgotten date didn’t create the dynamic. It revealed it. The circumstance uncovered what already existed beneath the surface—one partner’s pattern of reacting with defensiveness and blame, the other’s pattern of responding with grounded communication and empathy. It’s not the situation that defines the relationship. It’s the choices each person makes within the situation.

Starting to grasp the idea? I want you to pause and think about your life for a second. Can you think of any “Person A’s” in your life? What about “Person B’s” Are you person A? I think about this a lot.  This is my uneducated observation of what makes somebody the person that they are. I know I’m encroaching on Aristotle’s dichotomy of control or Marcus Aurelius’s “trichotomy” of control and influence, but it’s a more concrete look of how exactly it shows up in our life and can impact our life. The question is, how does one change to become person B, not person A? Nature? Nurture? Therapy? Reading books? Getting into latte art?

I think it might have something to do with one of my last posts. I’m all ears.

~ Bonde